How to Be Religious

First, stop going to church.

No, first, go to church.

If your parents go to church, that's perfect. Go with them. Especially if you're young. You'll get to go to Sunday School where they'll tell you great children's stories: Cain kills Abel; The Israelites escape and Pharaoh's army is killed; David kills the giant; The furnace spares Shadrach and his buddies, but kills the guards; the lions spare Daniel but kill the officials; Samson kills a thousand men with the jaw bone of an ass, then kills all his enemies with his final living act; The Flood kills everybody. Jesus is killed for us.

They'll also teach you most of the major rules of religion: Don't have sex; Don't drink, do drugs, or watch bad movies; Don't talk about sex; Don't think about sex; Vote conservative, because they don't believe in abortion or homosexuals; Don't even talk to anybody from the opposite sex.

If you're older, you can pick your own church. Go to a few different ones. There'll be great big ones with loud music and a lot of people your own age. But it'll be nearly impossible to make any friends because they all have about a billion friends already. There might be an elderly man, or woman, who seems nice enough, but asks your name three weeks in a row. Try a smaller church with less music and more scripture readings. Here, you won't find a lot of people you feel you can be good friends with, but you will find a lot of old ladies who will be enthralled by your youth. They'll bring you soup, or squash, or homemade cookies. You'll think they're the sweetest things.

The big church and the little church will both tell you have to "ask Jesus into your heart" and then you need to get a "firm foundation" in your Christianity. It will be a little abstract and vague, but eventually, you'll figure out that it has something to do with praying and reading your Bible, every day. If you aren't doing that, then you are not really religious.

At the big church, you'll see a lot of people dancing and making a hulabaloo during the music at the start. They'll even yell during prayers and wave their hands and they'll hug you -though you've never met them- and say, "Isn't God good? I could dance with him all day." Make sure you say, "Yes, he is good. Very good," or else they'll try to ask you what's wrong and try to pray for you.

At the small church, the people will be more solemn. They'll sway as they stand as the piano serenades them. They'll usually have their eyes closed, unless they're looking up at the ceiling. Some of them will even sit during the music and put their elbows on their knees and rest their foreheads in the palms of their hands. Later, they'll shake your hand -extra firm- and say, "Isn't God good?" You can just nod, here, or say "Mm hmm," and raise your eyebrows a bit. They'll pat your arm and move on to the next fella.

Notice things you don't like about both. How the Pastor says, "It's getting nicer outside, Amen?" substituting 'Amen' for 'Eh.' How they preach about 'servitude' the same week they ask for helpers to paint the outside of the church, or about 'giving' when they need to pay for the paint. How people get up to talk about the wonderful lives they've touched in poor countries all over the world, but haven't spoken to you - and you've been going there for 6 months. How different people do come to introduce themselves with big smiles, but by the end of the conversation, they've asked you to volunteer for bathroom duty after church. How, at the pot-luck lunches after service, even the old ladies complain and gossip about nearly everyone, even ladies who were sitting there with them last week.

Now, stop going to church.

That doesn't mean you need to forget about religion altogether. You couldn't do that if you tried. It just means you can forget about wanting to impress the people at church, or worrying about going every week, or what you should say when people ask if you do go to church. You can just say, "I used to," and they'll smile and say something like, "Yeah. I know what you mean."

If you go to school, take an ethics class, or philosophy, or religious studies.

If you work, listen to people when they talk about being 'good' or 'religious' or even when they're talking about the people they think are assholes.

Wonder what it means to be 'good' or to 'live life properly,' and think about it all the time.

Ask your friends what they think. Ask your girlfriend or wife or whoever. But don't ask too much, because people don't always like to think about the 'deeper questions of life' all the time. They'd rather just live and drink beer and date whoever and breakup and work and go to school and forget about it. But talk about it here and there. You'll get some interesting answers: "I gave that guy at 7-11 a twonie yesterday. I got baptized as a baby. Who cares? I pay my taxes. I never murdered nobody. I kiss my grandma every time I see her. My sister called me, crying all over cause her boyfriend broke up with her and she got her jetta stuck in the snow, and I went to help her even though I had a test in the morning and I was totally about to get some chick's number right when she called."

You'll feel there's something more to it than that.

Dig through your closet until you find that little red Gideon Bible you got in grade 9 from some guy in a suit and tie. Flip through it and read from here and there. You won't find any definitions of 'good' or 'holy' or anything like that. You will find some interesting stories: People dying and coming back to life; People with demons; Pigs with demons; People talking in crazy languages and other people understanding them; People killing Jesus.

Eventually, though, you need to get frustrated with it. Read and read. You won't understand everything and you'll get confused and you'll get mad. Do it, though, and then throw your Bible at the wall. It will bounce off and land on the floor face down with the pages spread apart. Leave it alone for now. Go out with your friends and try to forget about it. You probably won't be able to, but just try.

When you get home and after you brush your teeth, sit on the bed. Look around your room and see your Bible and remember throwing it. Pick up the Bible. Tell yourself you'll read just one chapter before you go to bed. Make sure you keep the page that it landed it on, though. It's a good one.

Read about when some guys ask Jesus what the greatest commandment is. Get excited because if anyone knows what it means to be good, it's Jesus, and his favorite commandment would have to be a tip. Jesus will say, "You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind."

Get mad and roll your eyes. Say something slightly ironic like, "What in the hell does that mean." If you're brave, say something even more ironic: "Jesus Christ! How am I supposed to do that?" Shake your fist at the ceiling for emphasis.

The sky might open up and God might smite you down right there, in which case you'll know he's real and you won't have to worry anymore. Probably, though, you'll be greeted with a crushing silence. You'll want to throw your Bible again, but don't. You have to keep reading. Jesus will say -even though nobody asked him- "The second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself."

Decide that second best must mean something.

Over the next few weeks or months or however long, think of ways to love your neighbor as yourself.

You love to eat; Go feed someone who is having trouble feeding themselves.

You'd love for someone to shovel your sidewalk; Shovel someone else's.

You'd love for your girlfriend or wife to rub your feet; Rub theirs.

You'd love it if someone helped you study for English; Offer to help someone.

You'd love for someone to ask you to church; Ask someone to go with you.

You'd love for someone to introduce themselves to you while you're there; Introduce yourself to someone.

You love it when people take down the chairs after church so you don't have to; Take down the chairs.

Eventually, you'll want people to notice. You'll smile and look people in the eye when you do it, and it'll annoy you slightly when they don't say anything. Start looking for more elaborate things to do. Pay for your friends lunch. Volunteer to help shingle your pastor's house. Make a meal and take it to the old ladies at church to say, "This is for the young lady who just had a baby."

The lady will smile and say thank you, but she'll have a certain look when she eyes up your food. Try to ignore it. Outside, you'll hear a car revving over and over. Look around back. There'll be an old man who has gotten is car stuck in a snow bank. Help push him out. He'll have dug a hole in the snow with the revving of his tire, so it will take a while. Right when he's finally out, the old lady who took your meal will come outside, blabbing with another lady. She won't notice you, and you won't say anything because you notice she's carrying three garbage bags AND your meal. Watch as she throws it in the trash.

Get pissed off.

Think ''of all the people who should be so ungrateful, of course it's the little old lady from church.'' Remember all of the good things you've done and try to remember if anyone had ever thanked you for it. You'll be so mad you won't be able to remember even if they had. Convince yourself it's stupid, completely stupid to even try to be good. Say, "Yeah whatever," when the old guy in the car says thanks for pushing him out. Don't look at him to see what his reaction is. Just run to your car and zoom off.

In the car, scream. Don't scream at the old lady, or the old man or anyone really. Just scream. Say something like, "I don't get it. What am I supposed to do? I can't do this." Crank the music and drive home. Take the long way.

By the time you get home, you'll be less riled up. Think about the verse you read. Go get your Bible to reread it to see if there was little extra secret you missed. Read it again. It's exactly how you remember it. Nothing more than You shall love your neighbor as yourself.

Think about it all night. Get more and more frustrated, then give up and try to go to sleep. Right when you're about to fall asleep, you'll think, 'That's the secret.'

There is nothing else.

Realize you are selfish. What you would love most is for somebody to do whatever you wanted them to do without ever having to ask them. You would like them to notice every time you do anything impressive. You would like them to treat you like the most important person in the world, because, to you, you are the most important person in the world. The most important person in the world doesn't need to say thank-you or appreciate anything because the people doing things for him aren't important.

It doesn't say to wait for gratitude. Jesus basically said, "Stop thinking of yourself as important."

Stop thinking of yourself as important.

It will change your life. Of course, it won't be easy and you'll need to remind yourself of it all the time, but it will change your life. You'll do things for others without looking for approval or thanks, because you'll know that you are treating them like you would like to be treated. As if you are important. You'll start to enjoy it more when nobody thanks you. Then you'll even stop looking for it. You'll do these things just because you love the way you feel when you make others feel important. You'll feel happy.

In your room, thank God for how his second favorite commandment changed your life. Sit on your bed and say, "Thank you." Look at the ceiling for emphasis. The thought will come, you may think it's God speaking to you, or you may think it is just your own profound thought, but it will come: "You can't do one without the other."

Sit there, and say it over and over to yourself. You won't really understand it, but you'll feel like you're on to something. Get your Bible and read the two commandments again. Read how it says, "The second is like it." Read it about twenty times.

Realize that when he says 'like,' he doesn't mean 'similar,' he means 'having the same characteristics or qualities.'

They are the same.

To be religious, you need to get over yourself. You need to love God and Love people. It's as easy as that.