Flip through your four channels. One is almost always too fuzzy. You can hardly watch it. One is almost always news or Jeopardy. One sometimes has some awesome cartoons, but when those are finished you'll be stuck with documentaries of the evolution of ballet in Canada, or the evolution of fish in freshwater. The fourth is french. Your dad says he learnt how to speak French from watching the fourth channel, but you can't understand one word of it. The mouths look like they're supposed to be speaking English anyway. You could probably watch these programs in English.
Ask for a TV for Christmas. Your parents will smile and say, "You just have to wait to see what Santa got you." So you may think you're getting a new TV. You'll want to set it up in your room so you can lay there and watch TV until you fall asleep. You'll figure out how to connect it to your alarm so that it turns on in the morning at 7 am. You can watch the morning cartoons before school. You'll love it So much your parents will notice and they'll just have to get cable so you can enjoy it even more.
Your parents buy you a remote control car for Christmas. They laugh at how surprised you look when you open it. "We knew you'd never guess what we got you!" they say, and they're smiling so wide you can't help but smile and hold it up beside your face for the snap of the camera.
Mumble something about everything being unfair.
Take your remote control car outside and zoom around for a while on the freshly scraped sidewalk. Soon, you'll find the way it shoots off the sidewalk into the street is actually pretty awesome. If you go fast enough, it ramps off the incline where the driveway turns back into the sidewalk. You can mark the distance of each jump by placing a pebble on the sidewalk where it lands. When your sister comes out to check it out, chase her around the driveway with your car. She'll scream and try to climb up a tree and say she's going to go tell on you. Don't stop. She'll run inside and try to tattle, and your dad will come stand at the window with his coffee mug with the silly snowman on the front, and he'll smile. You'll know he's proud of the gift he's picked out. He's proud of the boy playing with it.
Decide a remote control car might be better than a TV in your room.
Go visit your best friend on Boxing Day. He definitely got a TV and a Super Nintendo for Christmas. He'll say, "It's the best! I stayed up til almost all the way to midnight playing Mario Kart last night." Sit there and play all day long until your legs fall asleep and you can't walk even if you wanted to. Look at your friend when his mother says, "OK boys, time for supper." He'll just sit, so you just sit. Eventually she'll bring it up to you, and you can eat it right there in front of the TV. Wait long enough and she'll come pick up the dishes and wash them for you. Don't even notice the daylight disappearing as you play. Fall asleep in second place with Donkey Kong zooming past you to take the lead.
Wake up the next morning tired and lazy and jealous of your friend.
Tell your dad you had a blast, you wish you had a TV in your room when he comes to pick you up. Tell him yeah you played with your remote control car a little bit while you were there, even if you didn't. He'll know you're lying, but you'll feel bad if you don't tell him that. Ask him if he wants to play with it when you get home. He will love to play with it, with you.
He'll say, "Let's see who's faster," and he'll run ahead of the car. Push the lever as hard as you can so it goes as fast as possible. Of course, he'll be faster, but he'll do that run where his feet are flailing and his arms flap around like he's lost all control. He'll pretend to fall over and your car will win, and you'll be rolling on the ground laughing.
Go over to Auntie's for dinner sometime. Turn on the TV and find that she's started getting cable since the last time you were there. Watch cartoons that you've never got to watch before. You'll be so excited you get to go to school to let everyone know you got to watch Transformers or that ultra-cool Super Mario cartoon that isn't actually that cool, but everyone is in love with.
Get jealous of everyone who has cable and gets to watch whatever they want. Make it through Highschool without ever being totally up to date with all the latest reality TV shows or the newest teenage drama shows with all the super hot actresses.
Decide it's alright cause you enjoy other things like sports and skateboarding and even reading, though you don't tell people that last one. Going to movies at the real theatre is actually awesome, because you haven't already seen all the funniest parts on the thousands of different previews.
Don't even bother to bring a TV to college. Your roommate will bring his and he'll have cable and you'll be able to watch all you want. It'll be such a luxury having so many channels, you'll find yourself sitting and watching TV --with your roommate or without him-- until early in the morning. You'll barely do any homework. Your marks will go from a steady 80% - 85% in highschool to a mid 60's in College.
Start wondering if you're really cut out for college. Squeak by with a 63% and in the summer, tell people you're still trying to figure out if you'll be going back to college in the fall.
Go plant trees in British Columbia. Meet some really weird people who love to smoke all kinds of things. Meet some really cool people who love to do all kinds of things. Read. Write. Walk. Think. Plant trees. Make friends. Decide since you have the money now, you might as well go back to school.
Get an apartment with one of the guys you went tree-planting with. Split the bill for cable. You'll be excited to watch some TV after those few months without it.
Get a little annoyed at your roommate when he comes home from his Political Science class saying that his prof promised free text books if anyone brought a TV --smashed to bits-- to his class the next day.
"We just got cable set up," tell him.
"Yeah, but my prof said it's the biggest waste of time there is. And it totally is. We'll get like a billion percent in our classes I bet."
Try to stop him, but move out of the way when he slams his father's old hammer through the top of the TV. Say, "Sure, why not?" when he asks you if you'd like a go at it.
Smash that TV into more pieces than is necessary. It'll be as fun as racing remote control cars with your Dad when you're 11. Sit down on the couch when you're done. Look at your friend. Raise your eyebrows as if you're saying, "What the heck did we just do?" Laugh out loud with him before you start picking up the pieces. Remember that day until you're an old man, reading in your study.
Watch. Your grades get higher and higher. Win a scholarship for diligence and excellence in your studies. Graduate with honours.
Marry your long-time girlfriend.
Think about getting a TV in your new place in Toronto where you've landed a job teaching Highschool English.
Decide against it. Your wife will be on-board because she likes the way you're passionate about it. She also knows how productive you both are when you're not watching it.
Love going to movies with your wife.
Develop some of the kids in your English class into some of the most influential artists of their generation. Some of them will be annoyed at the amount of homework you assign. Their parents will call to complain and say you're too hard on them. They're not going to learn if they're always feeling down about themselves. Think about lessoning the amount of homework, but in the end, decide it's the best thing for them.
Cry just a little tiny bit each time the valedictorian thanks you in front of everybody for instilling in them a love for English and for learning.
Smile to yourself when your son comes to you and says, "Dad, can I get a TV for my room for Christmas?"
Ruffle his hair a little bit and say, "You just have to wait to see what you'll get."
Go out the next day and buy the biggest, fastest remote control car you can find.
