How To Be Married

First, get married.

For the first week or two, you'll think it's easy. All the preparations and planning of the wedding will have fallen by the wayside. You'll remember very little about the wedding. The flowers, no. Your cute little niece as the flower girl, no. The little Book of Wisdom your mother wraps so carefully and hands to you, a tear fluttering down her cheek as you leave her home for the last time as a bachelor, no. The little speech your dad gives at the reception, no, except his words, I'm proud of you.

These are the things you will remember:

Sweat. You will remember wondering if it's possible to sweat through an undershirt, a dress shirt, a vest, and a suit jacket in less than an hour.

You will remember forgetting about sweat when your bride appears at the end of the aisle. You will remember her smile as her eyes meet yours from across the sanctuary. You will remember how perfect she looks as she offers her own vows. You will forget the vows. Remember her face; true love is written there.

You will remember her hand, her finger as you slip the ring past her knuckles and snuggle in next to her engagement diamond.

You will remember her giggle as she shoves that piece of cake into your mouth and smears it across your cheeks. This will be your definition of happiness for the remainder of your life.

Cherish these memories. They are treasure that must be kept safe, hidden away where you know they won't be tainted, but where you can easily retrieve them. You will need them later.

Your honeymoon will be incredible. Your wife will surprise you with her sexual prowess. She will want to do it six times the first night. She will want to do it in the hot tub, in the kitchen, in the hotel elevator, on the beach. She'll want to do it after breakfast, before lunch, during supper. In short, she will want to do it.

Don't expect this to continue when you get home. She will make you work for it then. This is where most men get frustrated, but it's really very simple.

Take out the garbage. Pay the bills on time. Do the dishes every now and then, at least once a week, not too often, or she'll take it for granted. Offer to do the laundry. You're wife won't let you. Thank her. Put your dirty underwear in the dirty clothes hamper. Mow the lawn.

These are simple things your wife will classify as work.

There are other, more fun things to do for her. A foot rub during the six o'clock news will go a long way. A shoulder rub, even farther. A full body rub, in bed, will always, 100% of the time, result in sex. Add chocolate, maple syrup, or popsicles to make it interesting. Your wife will love it. You will love it.

After a year, maybe eighteen months, you will start to argue. About everything. You will remember your dating years and wonder how that couple, the one who agreed about everything, could end up arguing about what time to arrive at a dinner party, even though the invite says seven o'clock. Or what color the bathroom towels should be. You will argue about big things too, like money or family. Sometime during these arguments, you come to your senses and think, This is ridiculous. Why are we arguing about this? It's stupid, you'll say. Don't. Your wife will not think any argument is stupid while she's having it.

She will call you all kinds of horrible names. Some of them you will deserve, others you won't. Don't try to distinguish between them just yet. She'll think you're being smug when you're busy thinking and you don't answer her.

You'll want to bring up every time she's lied to you or screwed you over in some way. Resist this urge with everything in you. If you succeed, you'll want to pick up something, anything and throw it through a window. It will only cost you in the long run, at least the cost of a window. Go for a walk. You may slam the door on the way out if you wish; she will expect it.

Now is the time when you bring your treasury of memories out. You love your wife. She makes you happy. Without her, you would be hopeless. Remember cake on your cheek. Think about chocolate, maple syrup, and popsicles. Sooner or later, you'll cool down. By this time, you'll be excited to get home. Don't run home. You don't want your wife to know you're excited.

On the way home, you'll wonder if she's still fuming. You'll start to worry she'll be angry that you're not mad anymore. You mustn't. Secretly, if not openly, she'll be glad you're home.

Apologize immediately. If you've realized she's right, apologize for being wrong. If you still think she's wrong, apologize for getting so angry, for leaving, for slamming the door, anything. The words, I'm sorry, will inevitably soften her stubbornness. Once that wall is cracked, she will begin to see things more clearly. She might apologize, she might not. Don't worry about it.

She will want to have sex that night. Don't use chocolate or maple syrup or popsicles. Just go hard. You will both think it's some of the best you've had.

Memories are the keys to happiness. Never stop filling your treasure box. Remember that look your wife gives that says, I'm so proud of you, when you're promoted to copyeditor. It brings the best out of you.

Remember that moment after you've had your first child. Your son is screaming, your wife is screaming. Yet all you can think is, I've got the most beautiful family in the world.

Remember your fifth anniversary when your wife comes down the stairs in that new red dress. You're ready to go? She asks in a voice that's so very nonchalant and unpresuming but with that face that says, I know. I'm stunning.

These are the moments that will make you want to shower your wife with compliments. Do it. There will never be enough compliments.

You will think the broad compliments with loaded words will be the best.

You're beautiful.

You look cute.

I love you so much.

She will want specifics.

I love how your eyes shine when you where that sweater.

Those jeans make your butt look sexy.

Navy looks so good on you.

Will you wear the red lipstick? I love when you wear the red lipstick.

If you think it, say it. Just don't invent compliments. She will only think you're horny if you start inventing. She might put her sweat pants on.

Don't forget to remember. Your marriage will become stale and hard if you forget. Or when you stop adding new memories.

Soon, you will look back, and the memories will have become your life, and by the time it's all over, you'll start to think, marriage is pretty easy after all.