Think of a man, famous or otherwise, born before 1920. Pick someone you're interested in or curious about, because you'll need to read a book about them. If you want to save money in order to splurge on a nice pipe, borrow the book from the library. Otherwise, buy a coffee and go browse the biography section of your favorite book store.
If the book is an autobiography, the man will have countless stories of how he would hide away in his office to clear his head while he puffs on his pipe, or how he would pull out his Ardor in board meetings and light it up, for intimidation's sake. If it's just a biography, you'll found quotes from all of his children and grandchildren of how he would always smell of hazelnut pipe tobacco, or how he'd try to cover the smell of tobacco with breath mints.
The more you read, the more you'll imagine yourself, sitting in your study or, in these days, out on your deck or patio, smoking your pipe. You can just see the neighbors riding past on their ten-speeds nodding their heads and looking at each other, thinking there's something mysterious about that wise man on the patio. You smile at the children running through the sprinkler across the street, and they wave before slipping on the wet grass, then laugh as you stand to make sure they're OK.
As you imagine, though, you'll inevitably start to think of all your friends who have quit smoking, or your mother who would have your neck if you ever started smoking at your age. You'll try to think of excuses or reasons why you, who knows smoking will kill you, should be able to start smoking a pipe if you want to. It's not as if you're going to be smoking every day or all day. Just when you need to clear your head or exercise some intimidation at work.
You won't be able to find good enough reasons, so you'll settle for imagining right now. You may even read another autobiography.
After a while - a few months if you have a good imagination, maybe a year or two if you're too busy - you'll start to think more seriously about it. You're older now. You've been out of the house for a few years. You can make your own decisions. You know you're own limits. You won't get addicted, it's just a leisurely activity to do while the sun is setting and the kids are in bed. You think you would suit a pipe.
You search the internet for different styles and makes and models. You even visit a website that has a chat-room where people can post questions about pipes. You post the question: I'm trying to pick out my first pipe. I've never smoked one before, but think they are quite wonderful. Anyone have any tips on which I should get?
Five or six people reply. They all give you different reasons for picking different pipes - shape, color, texture, bowl size, make, don't get a rip-off it'll burn your mouth. But in the end you'll just pick the one that looks the nicest and is in your price range. You type in you're credit card number and You buy a pipe.
Second, buy some tobacco.
Search through the phone directory to find the nearest tobacconist. If you live in a large city you may find a few. If not, there may be only one. If there's only one, you'll meet some of the friendliest people who just love to smoke a pipe. They'll be so excited to serve a pipe tobacco virgin, they might even through in an extra gram of tobacco for free. They'll show you all these different flavors - hazelnut, chocolate, vanilla, vanilla-hazelnut. You'll feel like you're in a gourmet coffee house. They'll warn you about harsh ones or ones that are for veteran smokers. They'll tell you this one's nice or a lot of virgins start off on that one. In the end you'll pick the flavor mentioned in the autobiography you chose. You'll be more than pleased.
The salesperson will remind you not to inhale, pack the first pinch like a baby the second like a woman and the third like a Man, only fill the bowl up half-way the first few times, let the pipe cool down, 100%, before you clean it, come back if you have any questions. They'll even give you a special, vintage match box with long-lasting matches.
Run to your car, roll down the window and smoke your pipe.
You'll need about ten matches, because you'll never pack it properly your first time and it will burn out repeatedly. Take a few puffs, make a circle with your mouth like they do on cartoons and shoot out a cloud of smoke. You might cough, you might not, but the smoke will not be in a perfect circle like you imagined before you bought it. You'll have to practice that. After a few puffs, start your car and go home. Try to keep it lit so you can smoke while your driving. Other drivers will give you that same look the neighbors on the ten-speeds gave you, only you won't be imagining it. People will think you're mysterious, wise, old, handsome, intelligent, whatever you want them to think about you, that's what they'll think.
Practice packing it so you can sit on your front step for 15 to 20 minutes without having to re-light. Just sit and relax and watch the squirrels frolic and the birds flutter about and the smoke float away. Tell your mother you're fine. Tell your friends, it's spectacular. One or two of them will buy pipes on-line so they can join you at your next get-together.
When you're done, put it in the little protective case it came with and place it on the mantel, away from the reach of the children. Smile to yourself and go give your wife a kiss. Later, during an interview with your biographer, she'll tell them she loved how you smelt of pipe tobacco, though she'd never tell it to your face.
Smoking a Pipe is as Easy as That.
